Stormy Weather

It rained this evening in Barcelona. First just a little bit and then more heavily and then with thunder and lightning and sheets of rain such that you couldn’t see 100 metres away.

And then 30 minutes later, peace again. The rain tumbling down drains and the streets will be dry by morning.

I love thunderstorms.

Today was tough but the storm brought me a little peace and I hope I can go to sleep soon without staying awake too much worrying about anything.

This week’s topic is tough and I feel like I don’t understand the basic principles properly so learning anything more difficult just leaves me adrift on a lonely sea of incomprehension.
And once I am out there, drifting around without an anchor, my voice leaves me and I can’t even call for help. I flounder and sink lower even while I know that panicking can’t help. I can’t explain why this happens to me, only that it does.

I really am my own worst enemy because in my head I translate all the kind and understanding words of others into cruel taunts and accusations. I’m the stupidest person alive and there’s not much that anyone else can say to convince me otherwise.

The worst is that I also know that these things I tell myself are not true. That I can succeed at this and other things. It’s just that this little part of myself is buried so deep beneath years of fear and self-loathing that when things are difficult it is very hard to hear it.

Still, tomorrow is a new day and I feel better about having written this.

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